Written by Bamboo Nutrition therapist, Sarah Nonnenmacher, LPC, CEDS.
Bamboo Nutrition is located in Columbia, Missouri and Rochester, Minnesota.
The Problem…
Do you find yourself frustrated and discouraged by that ever-present inner critic?
Would you acknowledge that, yeah, you’re pretty hard on yourself, but you don’t know how to turn off the faucet of negative self-talk?
Or maybe you think the way you talk to yourself is perfectly justified, but you find yourself plagued by anxiety, depression, anger and self-hatred?
“Self-Compassion” and “Self-care” are somewhat loaded terms in our culture today. Many of us would love to be more self-compassionate, but don’t know how. Or we might be very compassionate toward others, while trying to show compassion toward ourselves seems awkward or cringe. Some of us may even pride ourselves in our harsh and critical inner voice, believing that we won’t be the best we can be without it, but continue to struggle finding our way in the world, wondering if things could be different. If this is you, welcome.
What’s Next…
Beginning this week, we’ll be taking a five-week dive into Self-Compassion: what it is, what it isn't, why it’s important, and how to develop it.
If you like what you read and would like to learn more, learn more information about our upcoming self-compassion group.
Join Sarah Nonnenmacher’s 6-week series group on self compassion. Read more about it by clicking the button above.
Sarah Nonnenmacher is a licensed professional counselor and created this online group to help individuals break free of ongoing negative self criticism.
Sarah Nonnenmacher, LPC, CEDS
Part One: The problem with self-criticism.
“This is just how I talk to myself; I can’t imagine things being any different.”
“Oof, that sounds harsh,” I’d say.
“No…that’s just normal for me.”
Our self-criticism can keep us really stuck. And for most of us, it’s a habit that’s been going on for so long that we hardly recognize it.
I’ve sat through some version of this same conversation again and again with many clients. It’s not unusual for people to be so accustomed to that harsh self-critic, so used to the demeaning inner voice, that they hardly recognize it. The ugliest words can come from the mouths of the kindest people, always directed toward themselves. It’s habit, it’s comfortable, it’s normal.
It was normal for me, too, for many years, until I discovered the work of a researcher named Kristin Neff. (Find her amazing work at self-compassion.org) Turns out, that habitual way I lashed out at myself internally all those years had real effects: effects on my mood, my energy, and (importantly for me), my ability to be present with others. I discovered that just because something is normal or automatic, doesn’t mean its always healthy or good.
What self-criticism does in our brains.
I’m fascinated by nero-science, and what I discovered in self-compassion research is so much deeper than “Talk more nicely to yourself, and you’ll feel better!” (Ugh, give me a break.) Here’s the truth about the way we talk to ourselves:
Self-criticism is a trait which significantly impacts the risk of developing a mental illness, especially depression and eating disorders.
Self-criticism habits can cause insomnia, leading to less energy during the day, and less resilience when facing challenging life experiences.
Self-criticism impacts our brains by releasing the same stress-hormones we would experience if we were under verbal assault by another person.
“I’m such an idiot!” “Why can’t I do better!?” “Ugh, I’m so stupid!”.....when we allow those words to assault us, even if left unspoken, our brains still respond as if they are being shouted at through a bullhorn. Our nervous system gets activated…we get tense and gear up for a fight. Or maybe, if we’ve been living in self-critical land long enough, we may get fatigued, tired, and burned-out, leaving us feeling numb, disconnected, or depressed. All of those added stress hormones are a result of my self-talk habits, and they wear me down. High levels of cortisol (stress hormones) can also impact my physical health as well.
Self-criticism can keep us from authentic connection, which is essential when going through hardship.
Many of us think our self-critical voice will keep us performing well. But imagine this scenario with me: Let’s say I want to try a new sport. I go to my local rec center and try a community class.. I feel out of my element a bit, but I’m having fun and willing to learn. Then in the middle of trying a new move, the coach comes up and mumbles angrily, “What do you think you’re doing? You clearly know nothing. You don’t belong here. You’re incompetent and everyone knows it!” Not only would I want a refund, but I would never go back to that class again! I might even quit the sport entirely.
Similarly, when we talk to ourselves the same way, we often give up early, leading us to miss out on opportunities to experience success.. Or, we might double-down, refusing to be defeated, but we feel more anxious, more fatigued, and less able to enjoy our successes.
Finally, self-criticism can keep us from authentic connection, which is essential when going through hardship. Studies show that even having a few significant, healthy relationships can radically improve overall well-being, but those relationships are hindered when my constant stream of negative self-evaluation runs through my mind, shaping the way I interact with the person in front of me. (Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with an obnoxiously loud TV show in the background? Out negative self-talk can be just as distracting.) And if I believe negative things about myself, I’m probably going to present differently than I would if I had more confidence. I might send non-verbal signals that I don’t want to be around others, again leading me to miss out on important connections or opportunities to enjoy meaningful relationships.
Our self-criticism can keep us really stuck. And for most of us, it’s a habit that’s been going on for so long that we hardly recognize it. But recognizing this pattern is the first step to change. If I can catch myself engaging in negative self-talk, then maybe I can start taking little steps toward neutralizing it.
And here’s the good news: Self-compassion CAN be learned! It may feel awkward, like your first swimming lesson. It may not feel natural at first. But once we start dipping our toes in the water of self-compassion, we find the added weight of carrying around our internal critic begins to fall away and, now uninhibited, we can learn to swim.