Written by Bamboo Nutrition therapist, Sarah Nonnenmacher, LPC, CEDS.
Bamboo Nutrition is located in Columbia, Missouri and Rochester, Minnesota.
~Part Three~
Most of us would very much like to be nicer to ourselves, but actually changing this habit is easier said than done. When we really think about it, we may discover that we are buying into some misconceptions about self-compassion. Here are some common beliefs that get in the way of positive change, and some possible alternative ways of thinking:
Recognizing and honoring the circumstances in which we learned our patterns of self-criticism, can actually be a bold and honest first-step in learning to relate to ourselves more effectively.
Myth #1: Self-compassion is for pansies.
Maybe you were raised in a “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” kind of family culture. “Suck it up, buttercup” may be your motto, and it's hard to envision your inner self-talk being marked by kindness or compassion. This is especially common as a result of generational trauma; your parents or grandparents did what they had to do to survive extremely trying circumstances, and as a result, you may have grown up with this kind of “survival of the fittest '' messages.
While harsh self-talk may have been necessary for survival for a short time, studies today show us that it can have some significant negative effects long-term. Learning self-compassion might just be the most pragmatic way to improve your quality of life, and has nothing to do with how strong you are as a person. In fact, practicing mindful awareness of our inner world (one of the three components of self-compassion) can actually be a brave and difficult step brave for those who have survived their own or generational traumas. Recognizing and honoring the circumstances in which we learned our patterns of self-criticism, can actually be a bold and honest first-step in learning to relate to ourselves more effectively.
Myth #2: I won’t succeed if I’m not hard on myself.
Maybe the habit of being hard on yourself has gotten you to where you are today. Maybe people feel like they’ve been able to perform well or accomplish their goals only because they’re used to being self-critical.
But studies have actually found that compassion, not criticism, is a stronger motivator, and you’ve probably accomplished your goals despite, not because of, your tendency toward self-criticism. To explore this, imagine the example of a marathon-runner: mid-marathon, the runner is feeling exhausted, sore, and discouraged. There’s still a long way before she reaches the finish line. She starts to slow down, maybe even stumble. On one side, a voice shouts from the crowd, “Are you a wimp? You’re better than this!” On the other, a voice shouts encouraging messages, “You’re a fighter! You can do this! Don’t give up yet, we believe in you!”
What might happen if the runner listens to the first voice? Discouraged and worn out, she is more likely to give up. If she does reach the finish line, she may focus on everything that went wrong: not making her time goals, instead of relishing the accomplishment of finishing.
The second voice is empowering and motivating. If the runner listens to this voice, she is more likely to push forward and enjoy the race, despite the difficulty.. If we can learn to make it a habit to speak to ourselves the same encouraging way, we are more likely to succeed in our goals.
Myth #3: Others deserve compassion, but I don’t.
There’s a term for the belief that something is true of everyone else, but not ourselves: “Terminal Uniqueness.” It’s the feeling that can’t be explained, but the bottom line is, “well, that may be true for others, but not for me.” When that feeling comes up, we need to challenge it and really consider, “Do I have evidence to support that belief?”
Other questions to ask yourself: “Is that based on fact, or is it just a feeling?” “Is it possible that believing this allows me to avoid something uncomfortable?” “Is it possible that holding onto this belief contributes to keeping me stuck?” What if you were to test your belief by trying it out anyway, and seeing how things go?
One cure for this myth is the 3rd component of self-compassion, Common Humanity. By recognizing the basic decency and respect that all humans deserve, I can put myself in that circle, and I can humbly listen to the voices of others that tell me I have value.
This one can be hard to fully untangle, but we all have to start somewhere. Sometimes acting as if we believed we deserve compassion, is a first step forward to actually believing.
Myth #4: This is just the way I am, I can’t change.
Self-talk habits are not easy to change, but the good news is that anyone can learn! Self-compassion is like learning a foreign language (especially if you grew up in a household that spoke the language of criticism). It may feel awkward at first, but it can be done! And practice makes it easier. With the support of a compassionate community, “language immersion,” and lots of practice, anyone can learn to begin to change the tone of their internal dialogue.
Join Sarah Nonnenmacher’s 6-week series group on self compassion. Read more about it by clicking the button above.
Sarah Nonnenmacher is a licensed professional counselor and created this online group to help individuals break free of ongoing negative self criticism.
What myths or misconceptions do you hold about self-compassion? How would you respond to a friend who felt the same way?
Sarah Nonnenmacher, the author of this article, is a therapist at Bamboo Nutrition, where she provides individual and family therapy to all ages. Self compassion is something she weaves into all of her sessions because it is a foundational way to improve our thought processes and will impact all of the work we do in therapy to improve the root issues we are working through.
Sarah is leads a Self Compassion group if you are looking for community. She also offers one-on-one therapy and would love to hear from you!