Written by Bamboo Nutrition therapist, Sarah Nonnenmacher, LPC, CEDS.
Bamboo Nutrition is located in Columbia, Missouri and Rochester, Minnesota.
~Part Four~
Self-compassion has 3 main elements: Mindfulness, kindness, and common humanity. Mentally honing in on each of these aspects can improve our “self-compassion fluency.”
So far in this series, we’ve talked about what self-compassion is, why it’s so hard, and some beliefs that get in our way. There is still more to discuss on the positive impact Self-compassion can have on our lives, but I wanted to pause here to review the actual “nuts-and-bolts” of how exactly to build self-compassion. If you’ve been following this series, you may still be thinking, “Okay, sounds great and all, but how do I do this?”
As a refresher from Part 2, Self-compassion has 3 main elements: Mindfulness, kindness, and common humanity. Mentally honing in on each of these aspects can improve our “self-compassion fluency.” Here some practices that can get you started:
Self-compassion break: Pause, name, be kind.
This 5-minute brief pause in the middle of your day pulls in all 3 elements of self-compassion. You can use it at the beginning or end of your day as a kind of self-check-in, with the goal of eventually being able to use it in the very moment you encounter that automatic self-critical reaction.
The more you set aside time for intentional practice, the sooner you’ll be able to access this skill naturally, when you need it.
Step one: Mindfully name the emotion.
Say to yourself, “This hurts,” or “This is sadness,” “I feel alone,” or “I’m really frustrated right now.” There may be more than one emotion activated. Pause and give yourself the space to listen, and acknowledge whatever rises to the surface.
Step two: Remind yourself of your common humanity.
Say something like “I know I”m not the only one to feel this way,” or “yep, its hard to be human sometimes,” or “failure and struggle is part of what it means to be human.” Take a moment to remember that we are all connected in our struggles.
Step three: Be kind.
What words of condolence and encouragement would you say to a friend facing this challenge? “You’ve got this,” “It’s okay,” “I believe in you.” Can you say the same words to yourself, even if it feels a bit awkward or different? You don’t have to fully believe it yet in order to start making a difference. Some may find it helpful to put a hand over your heart, or give yourself a gentle hug. Be the friend you are to others; experiment and see what difference it makes.
Ask: what do I need right now?
Some people are skeptical about self-compassion because they are afraid of being self-indulgent. But self-compassion isn’t about giving yourself anything and everything you want; it’s about asking yourself what you really need. Like a loving parent showing kindness to their young child: they wouldn’t give the child anything the child demands, because that wouldn’t be truly loving, but they are also happy to fight to give the child everything they need, and more besides.
In the moment of frustration or pain, instead of pushing forward and ignoring your needs, try taking a pause. Take a deep breath in, and as you exhale, as yourself, “what do I really need?” Then listen for the answer to rise to your mind. Is it a hug? A 10-minute breather? A cup of tea? A good cry? You are more likely to succeed and move forward in your difficult situation, if you can get that need met. Self-criticism denies our needs, but self-compassion seeks to meet our needs, so that we can be there for others.
Allow yourself to be served by someone else.
This one can be SO HARD for many people, especially those struggling with eating disorders. Most people who have eating disorders are the absolute kindest people to everyone else but have extra difficulty feeling deserving of love or receiving love from others. Allowing yourself to be cared for be a close friend, family member or loved one challenges that self-critical voice, and can bring up feelings of anxiety and vulnerability. But what if we approach this with the intention of mindfully experimenting, or challenging our self-deprecating beliefs, and see what happens? Can you challenge the thoughts that arise that tell you you aren’t deserving of a loved one’s kindness? Can you consider your loved one’s perspective, and humbly consider that your own perspective of your self-worth may be limited? By mindfully and intentionally allowing a loved one to do something nice for you, you connect to your common humanity, and give yourself permission to begin to learn how to be kind to yourself.
Journal exercise: How you talk to yourself, vs how you’d treat a friend.
This one can be a great, 10-minute intentional opportunity to develop the skill of self-compassion in response to a specific challenge:
Step one: Sit down and journal about the difficult experience you are facing. Include how you feel about the situation, what your brain tells you, and how it feels to hear those messages.
Step two: put down your pen, pause, and take a deep breath. Then re-read what you wrote, imagining that a dear friend is going through this.
Step three: pick up your pen again, and write a response, as if writing to your friend. In your letter, empathize with how they must be feeling, express your care, and share encouraging words.
Step four: pause, close your eyes, and take another breath. Then re-read what you wrote again, this time reading your response as if a friend had been writing to you. Mindfully consider how it feels to receive these words of encouragement. Notice if there are any automatic reactions wanting to reject these kind words, curiously ask yourself where that response comes from and how it is serving you, then recenter your intention on receiving words of kindness and encouragement. Doing so will help train your brain in this new language of self-compassion.
Interested in learning more tips and techniques for self-compassion practice? Want to connect with others walking this journey together? Click the link below for information on our upcoming Self-Compassion group!
Join Sarah Nonnenmacher’s 6-week series group on self compassion. Read more about it by clicking the button above.
Sarah Nonnenmacher is a licensed professional counselor and created this online group to help individuals break free of ongoing negative self criticism.
Sarah Nonnenmacher, the author of this article, is a therapist at Bamboo Nutrition, where she provides individual and family therapy to all ages. Self compassion is something she weaves into all of her sessions because it is a foundational way to improve our thought processes and will impact all of the work we do in therapy to improve the root issues we are working through.
Sarah is leads a Self Compassion group if you are looking for community. She also offers one-on-one therapy and would love to hear from you!